Dear New House,

Let’s get something straight: I didn’t vote for this move.

Nobody asked how I felt about leaving behind the bay window (where I judge everyone’s life choices), the high pantry shelf (perfect for aerial ambushes), or the neighbor’s bird feeder that I’ve been mentally tracking for three years.

But alas, it seems my human has decided we need a “fresh start.” So here we are.

I am told you’ll be my new home. So let me be clear about a few things.

First, I require height. I don’t do “ground-level living.” I expect ledges, mantels, bookshelves, and whatever dangerously stacked boxes you have lying around. I need to ascend.

Second, and I say this with the full weight of my paws: carpet, please. I find hardwood impersonal, slippery, and frankly—cold. I prefer plush surfaces for napping, pouncing, and collapsing in highly dramatic poses. Bonus points if the carpet is beige and shows off my fur.

Now, about the fireplace. My current favorite is a raised brick hearth—those bricks really soak in the heat, and when my human overloads it with her favorite pillow, it becomes mine. I’ll expect a similar setup. Gas, wood, whatever. I don’t light it—I just benefit from it.

Bay window? Non-negotiable. I need full access to sunshine and front-row seats to the neighborhood chaos. Dogs. Delivery people. That one neighbor who overdoes their mulch. I want to see it all—without having to participate. Perish the thought.

In the summer, I would appreciate a view of a birdbath. Do I chase birds? Absolutely not. But I like to think about it. Why hunt when I’m already getting two meals a day, thank you very much?

Lastly, I read that Halle Berry designed a room specifically for her cats. While I’m not saying you need to match her standards… well okay, yes I am. I’ll be expecting a dedicated lounge, a few climbing towers, a velvet chaise, and a water bowl I’ll ignore out of principle.

This is a big change. My human is doing her best. She’s nervous. She keeps wondering if it’s the right move. So be kind to her, okay? Let the doors close properly. Let the thermostat work. Let the first cup of tea taste just right.

And in return, I’ll offer you my presence. My fluff. My headbutts—when I’m in the mood.

Sincerely,
The Cat 🐾